Vladimir Putin confirms position as world’s unluckiest politician as yet another opponent dies suddenly in unusual circumstances

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After President Vladimir Putin’s long-time critic, Alexei Navalny, died suddenly in prison under mysterious circumstances, Kremlin officials declared the incident “yet another unfortunate twist of fate”.

Navalny’s demise marks the latest in a series of peculiar deaths among Putin’s adversaries, fuelling speculation that the Russian leader might just be the unluckiest man in the world when it comes to keeping his political opponents alive.

Navalny, known for his scathing critiques of the Russian government and his uncanny ability to consume tea without ever actually tasting polonium, reportedly passed away inside a Russian prison. There is mounting speculation that he died from a rare and sudden case of “acute window allergy,” a condition leading individuals to fall out of windows at inopportune moments.

A Kremlin spokesperson vehemently denied any government involvement in his death, with one stating, “It’s truly tragic how Mr. Navalny succumbed to this widespread Russian ailment. Our hearts go out to anyone who suffers from spontaneous defenestration syndrome.”

This is merely the latest incident which demonstrate’s Putin’s terrible luck with opponents. Over the past few years, a number of Putin’s critics have met their demise in ways that statisticians are calling “astronomically improbable.” From sudden heart attacks in the middle of exposing government corruption to unexpected allergic reactions to bullets, the pattern has left the international community scratching their heads.

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When asked about the string of coincidental deaths, Putin expressed his dismay, saying, “It’s truly heartbreaking. Every time I discover I have a new opponent, they end up dying in bizarre circumstances. I’m starting to think I should just stop having critics altogether, for their own safety you understand.”

Critics of the Kremlin have suggested that these deaths are part of a pattern of political repression, but Putin has dismissed such claims as “nonsense,” attributing the deaths to bad luck, poor lifestyle choices, and the occasional slip, trip, or accidental ingestion of deadly substances.

In a show of solidarity with those prone to sudden and inexplicable death, Putin has announced the establishment of the “Russian Roulette Memorial Fund,” dedicated to the memory of those who have unexpectedly passed away.

The fund will focus on research into the causes of spontaneous defenestration, unanticipated heart failure, and the development of a polonium antidote.