NewsThump exclusively reveals what these retiring MPs are planning to do after the election

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With the General Election looming, many MPs have already announced plans to retire from politics. But what are their plans for a life outside Parliament?

Tony Blair now tours with Aswad, Boris Johnson is reportedly planning to give the amateur wresting circuit a try, and George Osborne famously runs an extreme S&M club in Droitwich. But what of these newly retiring MPs?

Chris Grayling – Opening a Wimpy

Ever since enjoying a Bender in a Bun on a birthday trip to the Billericay branch of Wimpy in 1979, Chris has been a huge fan of the staunchly British fast-food restaurant. He hopes to open a franchise in Bridlington, just opposite the bus station. He plans to take on the role of head chef himself and has reportedly already mastered the Brown Derby. He’s reached out to his old colleague Nadine Dorries to offer her the job of head waitress. There is apparently some discussion ongoing about salary, but Chris is confident he can secure her services with the offer of a daily complimentary Cheese Eggburger or Wimpy Hawaiian.

Graham Brady – Recording a James Brown cover album

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Graham has spent the last twelve years gently explaining to Prime Ministers that everyone hates them and they have to resign, but his true passion has always been the music of legendary funkster James Brown. Graham and his band ‘the Brady Funkch’ have been a popular fixture at Tory conference and various Covid lockdown parties, with Brady applying a respectful black facepaint to perform such hits as ‘Sex Machine’ and ‘I’m Black and Proud’. Sadly, the important business of telling Prime Ministers to resign has never allowed Graham the time to make the James Brown cover album that he has always dreamt of. However, that should change after he stands down, and expectations are that the long-mooted ‘The Tremendously Funky Funk Music of James Brown’ by Graham and the Brady Funkch will be ready by Christmas 2025.

Ben Wallace – Wearing red fucking trousers on trains on BBC4

Ben, a steady and thoughtful Defence secretary for four difficult years, has been spotted shopping for red fucking trousers with Michael Portillo. This has led to speculation that he could well be being groomed to take over from Portillo in the coveted ex-Tory-MP-wearing-red-fucking-trousers-on-trains-on-BBC4 role. Since 1926, the BBC has been contractually obliged to feature an hour of programming featuring an ex-Tory MP wearing red fucking trousers on trains. Michael Portillo has filled that role since 2008, and many see Ben as an ideal replacement. “Ben’s a likeable TV presence, and looks tremendous in red fucking trousers. He’d be perfect to take over from Michael,” said a BBC insider. Expect confirmation of this in the coming months.

Dominic Raab – Lion Tamer

Dominic has been known as something of a hard man in politics, with a reputation for being a demanding no-nonsense boss. He will need to utilise every bit of that tough guy persona in his new role as a lion tamer. Earlier this year Dominic announced he would be joining Zippos Circus. It had been assumed that he would be taking on the role of clown, but reports soon emerged that he had been seen at Esher Sixth Form College taking an evening class in Lion Taming. Dominic has since confirmed his new role. “I have been immensely privileged to serve the good people of Esher as their MP, and now I hope to entertain and thrill them in my new role as Lion Tamer,” he said after being questioned when he was spotted out shopping for a top hat and whip.