Simon Williams, 46, has successfully put together a new flat-pack cupboard for the hall, and now believes this effectively makes him a carpenter.
Williams achieved the feat, on his own, in just three hours, despite the instructions saying it should be undertaken by two people.
“I’ve never felt more alive,” explained Williams.
“It’s only now, in this moment, that I realise I would be absolutely fine in the apocalypse. I could build a shelter no problem at all. As long as all the pieces were numbered and the screws come in tiny little bags.”
Williams went on to explain that his carpentry skills put him in some rarified company.
“Jesus was a carpenter, but I never read anything about him putting together a cupboard from Ikea. Did you?
“I’m not saying I a better than Jesus, I’m just saying I’ve achieved things in the woodworking field that he could only dream of. I’ll be happy to give him a few tips if we ever meet.”
Simon’s wife, Tracy, told us, “He can think what he likes about his latest tiny achievement in the field of DIY, but I can assure you that every shelf in our house is slightly wonky.”