Boyfriend begins planning spectacularly mediocre Valentine’s Day

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A man is lining up a quite astonishing lack of imagination for his beloved this February.

Simon Williams, 27, has come up with some plans straight out of the Boring Bastard’s Playbook for Lads in order to give his girlfriend, Elizabeth King, 25, the kind of day she will easily forget.

“I’m going to wake her up with toast in bed and one of those two quid Roses in a plastic vial,” beamed Williams, as if he was the first to come up with that one.

“Then I’m going to have a balloon in a box sent to her work that says “I love you” on it, along with a greeting card that says ‘Dear Elizabeth, I love you, from Simon,’ just like Shakespeare would have done.

“Then in the evening I’m taking her to whichever atypically expensive restaurant is running a Groupon voucher that day, so I can spend the same amount as I would at a Nandos but give the illusion that I’ve really gone to town.

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“I’m also going to wear a shirt with buttons.

“Then back home for up to 38 seconds of massage, followed by up to six minutes of sexual activity depending on the top-of-the-list wine’s impact on my ability to ejaculate.

“She’s a lucky lady.”

Elizabeth King said, “I’m not, and I plan to be sick that day.”

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