Producers of Road House remake dragged before courts for crime against humanity

author avatar by 2 weeks ago

Evil Hollywood executives have decided to besmirch the memory of the only perfect movie in existence.

Movie executives have decided in their infinite wisdom that if the planet needed one thing, it was an attempt to improve on Patrick Swayze’s perfect depiction of bouncer James Dalton, and his job at the Road House.

Producer Chuck Williams, told us, “The original is pretty good, sure. But now we have the Internet and Tik Tok and stuff, so it probably needed a fresh lick of paint – all of which we feel will bring us in about half a billion dollars, all told.

“If you’re looking for an artistic reason for remaking the film, then you won’t find one. Just a single, cynical, financial one.”

Fans of the original are apoplectic at the news, insisting the crime of trying to improve Road House is worse than those people who threw soup at the Mona Lisa, or that time when they set fire to Notre Dame cathedral.

As one told us, “Road House is perfect. You don’t mess with perfection. These people need to be dragged in front of the courts. It feels like a war crime, even though we’re not at war – but if they keep this sort of thing up, we soon will be.

“If anyone out there is still ‘on the fence’ about the decision to remake such a perfect film, then simply tell them that the producers gave a starring role to Conor McGregor.

“If that doesn’t convince them this remake is an abomination, then nothing will.”