I’ve never seen The Traitors the new ‘I’m a Vegan’

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A man who has no interest in the BBC’s hit TV show The Traitors seems to think that everyone wants him to tell them, according to reports this morning.

Lonely misanthrope Simon Williams, whose interests appear to include being angry about things that make other people happy on the Internet, labours under the delusion that other people are fascinated by how he has no interest in watching fame-hungry extroverts plot against each other under the watchful fringe-covered eye of Claudia Winkleman.

Despite not caring about the show, Simon has taken the time to track down more than half the people in his office in order to tell them exactly how much he doesn’t care about it, and is expected to have got to everyone he has missed so far before the day is out.

Having ensured he’s told everyone how much he doesn’t care about The Traitors, he then intends to make sure they all know he has no plans to watch it on the telly.

“It’s just a bunch of idiots pointing at each other saying ‘you’re a baddie!’, isn’t it?” he told co-workers whilst blithely ignoring their weary expressions of contempt.

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“What I don’t understand is why these clearly mentally ill people get so worked up about something that has absolutely no relevance to their actual lives.

“I don’t get how they can become so emotionally invested in what happens to people they don’t know or will ever meet, getting paid handsomely to partake in nonsense hundreds of miles away.

“Anyway, I can’t wait to go and watch the footy on Saturday. I’ve got a Grealish shirt that I like I wear.”