Keir Starmer wrote a law textbook, has a great sense of humour, and sports a ten-inch knob, screams Rishi Sunak during obvious breakdown

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You shouldn’t vote Labour because its leader, Sir Keir Starmer, was an excellent human rights lawyer who wrote a textbook on the subject and worked for free on worthy causes, Rishi Sunak said yesterday at PMQs for no obvious reason.

The Prime Minister said, “He’s such a dickhead, with his f**king three A’s at A level and his obviously great sex life. Is that really who you want at the helm? Little shit.

While muttering to himself and smelling strongly of breakfast wine, Sunak continued, “As a teenager I refused to wear a coat and rolled my eyes when my parents asked me to do my homework. That and all the money I got from marrying rich means I’m the guy you should vote for.

“Back in the day while I was getting rich by gambling on the collapse of the banking system, Keir bloody Starmer was merely defending awful people in court to ensure the ongoing validity of our justice system.

“Remember, I’ll send all the immigrants to the moon and get into as many physical fights with the Bank of England as needed.

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“Just please don’t vote for Starmer. I’m desperate. He’s a twat – and I will never tire of telling everyone how he is an extremely competent and very well qualified twat, believe me. Please.”