EXCLUSIVE: Keir Starmer punched all the sub-postmasters in the face and called them ‘knobbers’

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In a new, dramatic development in the Post Office scandal, we can exclusively reveal that when Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer was Director of Public Prosecutions, he personally visited every sub-postmaster accused of wrongdoing, punched them in the face, and called them a ‘knobber.’

Evidence indicates that he used his tax-payer funded, chauffeur-driven, government Rolls Royce to drive around the country to humiliate the sub-masters personally, so little did he think of their plight.

It is extremely likely that Sir Keir laughed while he did it as well. 

The poor sub-postmasters, with blood streaming down their faces, reeling from having been called a ‘knobber’ by the Director of Public Prosecutions, then suffered the indignity of being laughed at in their faces.

It has also emerged that leader of the Liberal Democrats, Sir Ed Davey, when first hearing of the scandal, did a poo in a jiffy bag and sent it to the sub-postmaster who had brought the issue to his attention.

It seems that the only people who have come out of the whole sorry saga with any credit are the diligent and hard-working Tory MPs, who would have something about it ages before it was on ITV but weren’t allowed to, because of Keir Starmer.

These are clearly shocking developments in the story and, even though they are patently untrue, it is important that everyone is made aware of them.