If it’s the warmest year since records began, why did I have to scrape ice off my car this morning, asks man who ‘does all his own research’

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After scientists announced that 2023 was the warmest year on record, self-taught environmental researchers have insisted that this can’t be true as they had to wear socks in bed last night.

Data from Nasa and the UK Met Office shows temperatures in the last decade were a full degree Celsius above pre-industrial levels, with the last five years being the hottest in 170 years, and the last year being the hottest year on record.

However, climate sceptics who like spending a lot of time having their biases confirmed on YouTube have questioned the findings, insisting you only have to look out of the window to see it’s not getting warmer.

Self-taught climatologist Simon Williams told us, “If the planet is warming, then why is hot water bottle usage up 25% in my house this month? Eh, answer me that.

“You’ve all made the classic mistake of listening to experts, haven’t you? What have we been telling you all this time – don’t listen to bloody experts!

“What you need to do is use your own eyes and ask yourself, does it look warmer outside, or does it look like it would freeze a witch’s tit.

“I bet you’ll question whether the ‘experts’ are right next time your fingers are going blue from scraping frost off the car windows.”

Science doesn’t care about your feelings