Parent carefully placing any child’s present shaped like a musical instrument into industrial compactor

In a bid to stop his 5-year-old son composing and performing music which administrators of the lowest rings of hell would ban for being too abrasive, Simon Williams has been approaching presents gifted to his son with the same level of suspicion as a grizzled minesweeper in the fields of Afghanistan.

Recounting an incident two years prior where some kindly but totally clueless dipshit had gifted his son a pack of 20 kazoos, Williams said, “The only thing worse than the Frozen soundtrack being aurally farted out of a saliva flinging piece of plastic, is the Frozen 2 soundtrack being aurally farted out 20 minutes later by the same child who’s now hopped up on Skittles, off-brand cola and who absolutely cannot read the mood of the room.”

The final straw was after his brother-in-law and self-proclaimed ‘character’ seized hold of one and tooted out Chumbawamba’s Tubthumping until being physically restrained.

Williams added, “The first two verses were tolerable and at least put a stop to his upsetting remarks about refugees, but after the 3rd reprise I knew what had to be done.”

Acknowledging a solemn nod from his wife, from that day on, Williams was given carte blanche to screen, vet, X-Ray and dispose of suspicious packages gifted from well meaning relatives. 

“So far we’ve managed to intercept two recorders, a harmonica, one 1/2 size violin and a ukulele which some sadist had packaged with the Robbie Williams greatest hits song book.”

At press time, Williams was refuelling his incinerator unit after discovering a partially wrapped child’s drum set at 1 am, draped in tinsel under the tree.

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