Sunak introduces new law declaring that Tories are a competent and capable government

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Rishi Sunak will begin his 57th fightback against his critics with the introduction later this week of their latest reality-defying law that will declare that the Tories are competent and capable government.

“We are great believers in the democratic process, but our patience is wearing thin,” explained the Prime Minister.

“When this law goes through, no one will be able to say that we’re a hapless bunch of self-interested, incompetent, corrupt liars who don’t care for anything apart from what the Daily Mail headlines are tomorrow. They won’t be able to say that because, thanks to this law we’ve introduced, we will be, legally, a competent and capable Government.

“It will put the matter to bed for once and for all and we will then be able to get on with the true business of Government – being mean to people with different coloured skin who want to come and live in this country.”

Simon Williams is a Tory voter.

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He told us, “Some might say that the best way to be thought of as a capable and competent government would be to govern in a capable and competent manner.

“Not me, though. I think this Tory government is a marvel. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I just need to go and smear my own excrement on the walls.”

The new law appears to be inspired by last week’s law declaring Rwanda to be safe and it is understood that the Prime Minister is preparing a new law along similar lines that will declare that ‘Rishi Sunak is cool and brilliant and all the girls totally fancy him’.

Twatspotting #3 – see Rishi and his pals here!