Robert Jenrick resigns in protest at not being allowed to fire asylum-seekers out of giant cannon

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Immigration minister Robert Jenrick has dramatically resigned from his post after the latest proposals to curb migration did not include a provision to let him launch asylum-seekers out of a big cannon on the Dover cliffs.

“I don’t think the public will believe we are serious about stopping the boats unless we can fire immigrants who illegally cross the channel out of a big cannon,” said Jenrick in a statement accompanying his resignation.

Rishi Sunak’s latest immigration proposals, unveiled yesterday included provisions to kick all immigrants up the arse, to bring back seventies-style racism, and to blame the EU for us not being arsed to create a functioning immigration system.

However, many on the Tory right believe these proposals do not go far enough, as Robert Jenrick’s resignation statement proves.

“I long for the day that we see a giant cannon on the White Cliffs of Dover, with my colleague Suella Braverman sat astride its huge barrel, her magnificent thighs quivering as another Iraqi immigrant is fired out of the cannon back towards France where they belong.

“Sadly, as the latest legislation does not include building a big cannon, I can only conclude that the Prime Minister is a big communist who loves immigrants and wants to marry them all.”

The Prime Minister has yet to respond publicly, but is expected to make a slightly panicky promise later today about being much more horrible to immigrants in the future in the hope that people on his own side stop being mean to him.