The government is continuing its year-long crusade against the terrifying spectre of wage inflation by unveiling its latest economic masterstroke: capping immigration numbers to ensure wages definitely don’t go up.
The plan, hailed as “revolutionarily contradictory” by baffled economists, involves raising the minimum wage an immigrant must earn to a modest £36,000, a figure scientifically calculated by throwing darts at a board of random numbers.
Home Secretary James Cleverly, fresh from his unyielding commitment to preventing unions and workers from securing pay rises, has decided that the best way to control wage inflation is by restricting the labour supply, which will obviously have no impact whatsoever on labour prices.
“It’s quite simple,” Cleverly explained, while juggling balls labeled ‘supply’ and ‘demand’.
“By reducing the number of available workers here in the UK, we ensure that employers definitely won’t have to compete for potential employees, thus magically keeping wages low. It’s basic economics!”
Critics have pointed out the glaring flaw in this plan, namely that reducing labour supply while demand remains constant might actually increase wages.
However, Cleverly, in a stunning display of intellectual gymnastics, insists that this is a gross misunderstanding of the principles of capitalism.
“Economics is more of an art than a science,” he quipped, adding, “And I am Picasso. Or that guy who smeared his own shit on the walls. One of those.”
The government, rallying behind Cleverly, has declared this move a stroke of genius.
“By raising the immigration wage threshold, we’re not only helping to stop the boats, we’re also putting downward pressure on inflation,” said a government spokesperson, while hastily revising the chapter on supply and demand in the national curriculum’s economics textbooks.
“And if wages go up, great – we’ll just take the credit for it. Whisper it quietly, but we’re not actually against wages going up, we just don’t like it when the unions take credit for making it happen.”
Unions and workers, who have been repeatedly told to accept minimal pay rises to curb inflation, have expressed confusion and amusement.
“So let me get this straight,” said one union leader, “We can’t have higher wages because of inflation, but the government’s plan to avoid wage inflation is to do something that will artificially increase wage inflation? Brilliant plan. If only we had thought of it. Oh, we did!”
Economists worldwide are reportedly flocking to the UK to witness this groundbreaking experiment in economic policy.
“This could redefine our understanding of economics,” said one excited economist, booking his flight to London. “Or it could be an absolute policy disaster from the country that just a year ago gifted us Trussenomics.
“Either way, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”