Proud British patriots demand Elgin marbles be ‘sent back where they came from’ after learning they came here illegally on a small boat

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A group of self-proclaimed British patriots, long vocal about their anti-immigration stance, has demanded the Elgin Marbles be immediately ‘sent back to Greece’ after discovering that these ancient artefacts were brought to the UK “illegally on a small boat” by the Earl of Elgin in the early 19th century.

The group, calling themselves “True Brits for Legal Artefacts,” held a press conference outside the British Museum, where they passionately argued that the marbles were “unlawful boat arrivals” and “a never-ending drain on the British taxpayer,” echoing their usual rhetoric against asylum seekers.

Group leader Simon Williams told us from underneath the hood of his Stone Island jacket, “We’ve been saying it for years: if you come here illegally on a small boat, you should be sent back where you came from.

“And that includes these marbles! It doesn’t matter if it’s people fleeing persecution, or small round balls played with by children; illegal is illegal!

“They’ve never done a proper days work in the two hundred years they’ve been here, and they live in a massive London house paid for by the taxpayer. They’re taking us for mugs!”

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Their position on the marbles has surprised many historians.

“Typically, these individuals champion British acquisitions and colonial exploits,” said Dr. Helena Smith, a cultural historian at the University of Basingstoke.

“However, the moment they learned that the marbles arrived in a manner similar to that of the asylum seekers they so vehemently oppose, they suddenly developed a conscience about cultural repatriation.”

Meanwhile, the British Museum has not commented on the demand but has increased security around the Elgin Marbles exhibit, fearing that the group might try to physically deport the artifacts in a fit of misguided patriotism.

At the time of writing, “True Brits for Legal Artefacts” were reportedly consulting a map to determine the exact location of Greece, before planning a “patriotic mission” to return the marbles, that may or may not include a week in Faliraki during the European football championships.