Official statistics have revealed that the battle to save Christmas is starting slightly earlier each year.
It’s not yet December and yet the UK Government is already scrambling to save Christmas.
“It’s definitely creeping earlier and earlier in the year,” said Professor of Yuletide Statistics Simon Williams.
“The very first Christmas wasn’t saved until Christmas Day itself when an enterprising innkeeper had the clever idea to let Mary and Joseph pay to stay in a stable that was covered in animal shit and reeked of piss.
“Even during the early twentieth century, the festive season generally wasn’t saved until the big day – the famous Christmas truce and football game during the First World War, for example.
“By World War Two, Christmas presents were being handmade using recycled materials. This obviously took a few days so Christmas would start being saved around 20th December.
“When I was a kid in the seventies, Christmas would be saved about a week early when Dad came home drunk having bought a dodgy tree from a bloke down the pub.
“Even in the last few year, in the middle of a winter lockdown, it was the 15th December when Boris Johnson announced he’d made a deal with Covid and that Christmas rules on travel and socialising would be relaxed.
“But now Christmas is being saved and it’s still only November!
“I personally think this is all a big mistake – there’s a very real risk that Christmas will lose its magic if we save it too early.
“But at the same time, I think we should all be grateful to those brave patriots who go out of their way every year, searching as hard as they can for things from which they can save Christmas.”