Piss-ditch, wank-puddle, and turd-dump – James Cleverly describes his favourite provincial towns

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Home Secretary James Cleverly has revealed his favourite provincial towns across the country, using his special brand of complimentary language and Tory panache.

Just days after referring to Stockton-on-tees as a ‘shit hole’, Cleverly has explained that his views on the nation’s towns is not limited solely to the north-east.

He told reporters, “Do you know Daventry, yeah? That place is a proper piss-ditch. Have you been? No? You lucky sod.

“What about Bracknell? Christ, that’s a wank-puddle of a place if I ever saw one.

“And what about Stevenage? If you knew it, you would know it’s a place that easily conjures up the term of wank-puddle.

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“And it’s not just those three. There’s Swindon, Slough and Luton. Each and every one a proper dung-trench. Anyone saying I was singling out Stockton clearly doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

“Give me a nice affluent town in the Cotswolds any day.

“No, seriously, please give me one. I’d love a nice new constituency. I’m a Tory MP in the Essex town of Braintree, it’s a living hell.”

See the full Cabinet of Arseholes – starring Cleverly himself!