Rishi Sunak announces emergency legislation to declare Rwanda is safe and he is a six-foot-six muscle-bound adonis

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Following the Supreme Court’s observation of the patently obvious fact that Rwanda is an unsafe destination for asylum seekers, Rishi Sunak is pushing through legislation to “confirm that Rwanda is safe, and while we’re all playing pretend, I’m six foot six with god-like muscles”.

Rishi Sunak, five foot six, said, “I’m sick and tired of legal battles, and of buying my clothes in the back-to-school sales, and so I’m preparing legislation to solve both problems at once.

“If I change the law to say Rwanda is safe, then observable reality be damned – it IS safe. And I will yell it to the House of Commons as my herculean frame looms over the dispatch box, while for emphasis I rip a phone book in half with my mighty arms and crush a breeze-block to dust between my mighty glutes.

“And coming soon, emergency legislation to say I’m miles ahead in the polls! I alone shall decide what’s real and what’s not! I’m not panicking! I’m not panicking! If you don’t shut up I will pass an emergency law to say I’m not panicking!”

The proposed legislation to reclassify Rwanda as ‘safe’ has already met with fierce opposition from the right wing of the party, who are ideologically opposed to sending asylum seekers anywhere ‘safe’.

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The Supreme Court has considered Mr Sunak’s proposition and has ruled that, seriously, of course Rwanda isn’t bloody safe, and that Mr Sunak is actually four-foot eighteen.

Twatspotting #3 – Rishi – get your Twatspotting merch here!

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