BMW driver must be a proctologist because he’s right up your arse

author avatar by 3 weeks ago

The driver of a BMW is so far up your arse he can see what you had for lunch, according to reports today.

Simon Williams, who is driving his 5-series on a busy A road, has been nuzzling the rear end of the driver in front of him for the last ten miles because he’s committing the unforgivable sin of being 3mph below the limit.

Simon qualified as a proctologist in 2014, and after buying a Beemer with his first paycheque, has never missed an opportunity to ram its nose right up the crack of anyone unfortunate enough to be in front of him.

“I just love people’s arses”, Simon told us with a smile.

“I can’t get enough of going full beam and getting right up in there to see what they’ve got in their trunk.

“I like to be so close I can smell them, and I enjoy the risk they might slam on the anchors and I get a face full. Heaven.

“And the same goes for when I’m at work.

“Of course I’m not as bad as my mate Will, who is an gynaecologist. He drives an Audi, obviously.”