Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has denied that there is an air of desperation to his reshuffle yesterday that saw former England defender Sol Campbell, top comedy due The Krankies, and a painting of Margaret Thatcher each given high-profile Cabinet posts.
“This is a new, dynamic team ready to try and move away from the broken politics of the last year or so and to deliver the reform this nation deserves,” he said, as an unseen aide made the wanker sign above his head.
“Sol Cambell is the perfect candidate for the Ministry of Defence with his experience playing Centre Back for Arsenal and Spurs, and the eleven years playing for England shows that he knows more than most about dedication to the country.”
The Krankies have been appointed to the post of Minister of Health.
“I think it’s important to recognise that morale in the NHS is struggling,” continued the Prime Minister, as if there were anyone still left who was remotely interested in listening to what he had to say.
“So, what better to cheer everyone up than the hilarious comedy stylings of Ian and wee Jimmy. I’m certain they’ll be ‘Fandabidozi’ in their new role.”
Perhaps the most eye-catching appointment was that of a painting of Margaret Thatcher to the role of Home Secretary.
“Mrs Thatcher is an inspirational figure to many of us,” continued a misty-eyed and visibly tumescent Sunak.
“It is a privilege to welcome her back to Cabinet, if only in a pictorial form.
“None of this is desperation. This is a dedicated, talented Cabinet ready to govern this great country for many years to come.”
Mr Sunak then finished speaking, turned to his left, and stood on the head of a rake, smacking himself in the face with the handle.