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A Kangaroo in Australia, just hours away from being culled by an eager gun enthusiast, is completely unaware that his arsehole will will sat on a plate in front of Nigel Farage within a week.
Derek, an eight-year-old and entirely oblivious Kangaroo, will be shot legally while subject to Australia’s ongoing cull of Kangaroos, but his body – well, parts of it – will be used to entertain British television viewers.
A friend of Derek’s told us, “Oh that’s awful. Don’t get me wrong, I think we’d all like to be on telly, but I don’t think any of us want to make our debut appearance ‘sphincter first’.
“Have you told him? No, best not to. No one wants to know when the end is coming like that. And I’m not sure how he’d take the fact that the molars of a man responsible for the rise in xenophobia in the UK will be slowly masticating his rusty sheriff’s badge.
“What are the chances of this Farage fella choking on it? Slim? Right. Oh well. Fingers crossed, eh? I hear he’s famous for a Nazi-style poster saying the UK is at breaking point, so it would be ironic if Derek’s arsehole were responsible for finding his choking point.”
Meanwhile, ITV executives have been quick to reiterate that no animals will be hurt during the filming of the show, as long as you don’t include the immense shame of being consumed by a twat in your definition of ‘hurt’.
