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Despite slinking off into the distance after setting fire to everything back in 2016, David Cameron is rejoining the government as ‘one last hurrah’ in the process of destroying the country that he began seven years ago.
Cameron has been announced as the new Foreign Secretary in Rishi Sunak’s cabinet reshuffle, which Cameron will describe as perfect timing, given the value of the contacts he can sell access to has been on the wane of late.
A source close to Cameron told us, “It’s much easier to sell access to cabinet ministers when you’re one of them yourself. He gets to reset the clock now, and his access will be right up to date. This will make him much more valuable to people like Greenshill.”
Meanwhile, nature documentary makers have insisted that the footage of a rat climbing aboard a sinking ship would rewrite our understanding of the capricious creatures.
Simon Williams told us, “Rats don’t join sinking ships, they leave them. It does look like this case is a bit different though.
“It seems this rat has found a way to make it worth his while to join the sinking ship, and it does appear he has a helicopter waiting to airlift him away to safety the very moment it all gets a bit difficult.
“He’s clearly thought this through. It’s not about saving the ship; it’s about scavenging for any possible person value he can find before it disappears beneath the waves.”
