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With rumours circulating that Nigel Farage may be offered £250k to appear in this year’s I’m A Celebrity, Australian Witchetty grubs are already gearing up to boycott the whole show.
The giant maggots have starred in Bushtucker Trials from the very beginning, happy to be eaten by both the famous and infamous — and Nadine Dorries — in the name of entertainment.
However, the news that Nigel Farage, the frog-faced moron herder and all-around thunderc*nt, is topping the list of targets for the new season of the show has sent shockwaves through the grub community.
“It’s not like we are being precious,” Shane Williams, a spokesman for the Witchetties, told us.
“After all, there wasn’t a problem when it was Matt Hancock; and in that case, the lads had to deal with the fact that he’d used that mouth to accost that young woman on that leaked CCTV video. They were professional and got the job done.”
According to Williams, there are a few tricks that the grubs employ to survive a chomping by a D-List celeb. They include yoga techniques, which help them avoid the teeth while at the same time putting on a good show of wriggling for the audience, as well as fake blood bags and concealed scuba gear.
Occasionally, though, conditions are worse than anticipated, and the unlucky grub has to put itself in a happy place until it’s all over.
“But this guy, Farage,” says Williams, “he is something entirely different.
“That mouth has had so much shit flowing through it that it’s like a toxic waste facility in there.
“And what lies beyond isn’t much better, that’s for sure. So much bile has built up over years of barely concealed bigotry that anyone who makes it past the baccy-stained teeth will end up looking like that melted bloke off the original Robocop.
“To be honest, happy place or no, I wouldn’t send my worst enemy in there, let alone a mate.”
