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A staunch supporter of Tory government has today insisted his party’s time in charge should only be compared to a very specific alternative universe in which Labour has somehow made its way into Downing Street.
According to Simon Williams, 58, there are no grounds upon which you can legitimately criticise the performance of the current government, because the theory of the multiverse suggests there is an alternate reality where Keir Starmer is the prime minister and things are much, much worse.
Williams told us, “There is a universe out there where Starmer is somehow in Downing Street, and he has led the nation into full-on communism – where anyone who dares to question him is sent to the gulags, and where coronavirus actually killed TWICE as many people as it has here, and where the economy crashed because they’re so bad at doing economy things.
“So, when you look at that as the alternative, you have to say that on reflection, Boris and Liz did a pretty good job, and Rishi is doing just fine. Right?”
Meanwhile, critics of this position have insisted that if we’re going to delve into the multiverse for comparators to our own reality, we should probably look at some of the others.
Political analyst David Matthews told us, “I’m a big fan of basing any political criticism on our own reality, and things directly observable in our own plane of existence, but if that’s the direction that Tory fanboys want to go, then so be it. Let’s play that game.
“Did you know there is one alternative universe in which Keir Starmer’s blood was found to be the secret to a COMPLETE cure to Coronavirus, and that he’s now not only a hero here in the UK, but around the entire world as the saviour of millions of lives? No? Well, he is.
“Also, the hastily constructed Keir Starmer theme park is now the planet’s number one tourist attraction, which has seen economic growth surge to record levels and put the UK at the top of the standard of living rankings – so, if we’re going to delve in the realms of hallucinated fiction, maybe we should compare the Tories’ time in charge to that specific alternative reality?”
Williams retorted, “That’s completely ridiculous, you can’t just hallucinate an alternative reality and then use that to criticise the Tories.
“Oh.”
