In an effort to come to grips with the ever-growing number of Tory MPs facing charges of sexual assault or impropriety, Conservative Central Office has created a new ‘How not to sexually assault people’ course that Tory MPs can attend in order to get a solid grounding in not sexually assaulting people.
“In today’s confusing world, many Tory MPs do find it difficult not to sexually assault people,” explained Simon Williams, a Tory special advisor.
“So, we’ve put together a quick and easy day-long course on not sexually assaulting people.
“We’re going to cover a number of topics:
- Not taking your penis out in front of anyone who hasn’t very specifically asked you to take your penis out.
- Not assuming that someone asleep or unconscious wants to engage in sexual activity with you
- Not mistaking the greeting ‘good morning’ for an invitation to touch someone’s genitals
“And all manner of all other things that should help Tory MPs not sexually assault people.”
Brigadier Ronald Wellington-Beef, the 102-year-old Tory MP for Bollock-on-the-Wold, welcomed he initiative.
He told us, “Tremendous plan. Very helpful. Only yesterday, I was in an office with a young filly and I simply had no idea if I should touch her breasts or not. I’ll certainly be signing up for this course.”
If the course proves as successful as strategists hop hope, Conservative Central Offi are understood to have plans to bring in a special ‘How to behave like a normal, decent human being course’ to allow Tory MPs to learn how to behave like a normal, decent human being.