Government struggling to gain public support for any of its policies keen to give ‘making bankers richer’ a whirl

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In an unconventional effort to gain some much needed support from the general public, the government has told voters it is pushing ahead with former Prime Minster Liz Truss’ plan to axe the cap on banker’s bonuses.

Following the recent breakdown in negotiations during the public-sector strikes and the general consensus that the Conservatives aren’t prioritising the cost of living crisis, the decision to scrap the upper limit on multi-million-pound bonuses for high earners is clearly seen – for some unfathomable reason – as a way of restoring the support of the British people.

A supporter of the decision, Conservative MP Simon WIlliams told us, “Look, bonus caps had to die so that Trussonomics could still live.

“We recognise that there is a cost of living crisis, but bankers are feeling the affects of this more than anyone. I know a banker whose had to sell his second home – well, strictly speaking his second second-home, which I suppose on a technicality was actually his third home. 

“I’ll admit, the idea of helping bankers who are motivated entirely by an insatiable desire for material gain might seem slightly insensitive in the current climate, especially so soon after the whole junior doctor pay fiasco – but I reckon doctors are overpaid anyway, given you can just google most of your symptoms these days on WebMD.

“But the way I see it, the public can’t exactly feel any less sorry for us right now anyway, so we might as well just throw this Hail Mary of helping out our public school mates in the banking sector and hope they’ll reward us when we all get fired by the voters next year.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – see the T-shirt here!