Bed bugs have moved above Jehovah’s Witnesses in a list of annoying things to visit you at home, as the nation descends into a fevered paralysis over the tiny creatures.
As the news of a growing epidemic of the biting insects continues to fill the airwaves and newspapers, homeowners across the UK have admitted that a tiny bug that can conceal itself as well as Boris Johnson in a fridge is now more annoying than having devout Christians repeatedly knocking at your front door.
Homeowner Simon Williams told us, “A visit from the Jehovah’s Witnesses is always a pain in the arse, as their earnest belief in what they’re doing seems to make them completely immune from pointing out how antisocial their call is.
“But at least there was some fun to be had with them going over all that mental stuff about blood transfusions being a bad thing and where all the black people actually came from.
“You know, maybe if Jehovah’s witnesses came in and then hid in various places around the house until we find them, like those bed bugs, they’d be a little bit more entertaining, and therefore more welcome?
“But unfortunately the bed bug has no redeemable features whatsoever. You can’t even take the piss out of them and their bonkers belief system. Even though they could be mormons for all we know.
“Unlike normal bugs, you can’t simply ignore them, because apparently an infestation is the worst possible thing that can happen to your house. Once they’re in, they’re almost impossible to get rid of. Like Uncle Roy at Christmas.
“But on the plus side, they might take chunks out of you at night, but at least they don’t insist on leaving us leaflets about their preferred fairy stories.”