Labour has let it be known that from this point forward, it is the anti-glitter party.
Following leader Keir Starmer’s shimmering appearance on the conference stage yesterday, party officials have been quick to announce a new policy that will effectively classify glitter in the same product category as bullets.
Labour spokesperson Simon Williams told us, “We feel it’s important to reflect the feelings of the nation, and we can tell that people hate glitter as much as we do.
“Is there anything more annoying that opening a Christmas card covered in glitter, only to realise you’ll be vacuuming up those bits for weeks to come, and that some time in April you’ll be sat watching the television and you’ll see the faintest glimmer from a piece embedded so deeply in the carpet it requires surgical removal?
“No, there is not. And rest assured that the Labour party knows it.
“Sure, if you’re an eight year old girl, then a glitter ban might sound like the worst thing to happen since your parents told you that you can’t have a unicorn for Christmas, but they can’t vote, so it’s fine.”
Meanwhile, protesters have told Labour, “Do you want to be covered in paint instead? Because this is how you get covered in paint.”