Michelle Mone launches new building company after hearing government has £19bn in northern rail construction contracts to award

author avatar by 2 months ago

Tory Baroness Michelle Mone has reportedly started her own construction company after seeing Rishi Sunak announce that the government has £19 billion in northern rail construction contracts to award.

This news comes as no surprise to those familiar with her previous foray into the realm of lucrative government contracts, when she miraculously secured a multimillion-pound contract for personal protective equipment, despite having no experience beyond putting on a plaster.

When asked why she had started a construction company eleven minutes after Rishi Sunak finished his conference speech, Mone told reporters, “I believe in diversifying one’s portfolio.

“After the outstanding success of my PPE venture, where we delivered precisely zero usable PPE for the bargain price of £200m, I felt the construction industry was the next logical step.

“The fact that there’s £19 billion on the table is just waiting to be awarded to a friendly Tory business is just the cherry on top.”

Not to be outdone by her own lack of experience in PPE, Baroness Mone is once again proving that qualifications are optional when you’re in the right circles.

She has launched her construction company, ‘Train-wreck & Co.’, with the slogan, “We might not know how to build, but we sure know how to bill!”

Critics have questioned the transparency of any bidding process for the northern construction projects, citing concerns over nepotism and conflict of interest.

In response, a government spokesperson commented, “We assure you, Baroness Mone’s new venture has been thoroughly vetted in the hour or so since it was launched. Her PowerPoint presentation had a train picture on it, which shows a deep understanding of the industry.”

When asked about her qualifications in the rail construction industry, Baroness Mone confidently said, “I once rode a train, and I’ve played with toy tracks.

“How hard can it be?”