‘Five a Day’ reclassified as beer, coffee, burgers, donuts and sex

author avatar by 10 months ago

The NHS has dramatically revised their ‘five a day’ guidelines to include lager and Double Whoppers in a bid to hit healthy eating targets.

Health professionals have long counselled eating five portions of fruit and vegetables a day, and the British population have steadfastly ignored them for just as long.

Previous diet advice has been to eat mostly broccoli and the sort of bread which tastes of cardboard and makes you poo a lot.

However, by reclassifying ‘healthy eating’ to include bacon butties and last night’s pizza, and as much coffee as you can hold in a massive mug, healthcare bosses are confident they’ve hit on a diet which people will stick to.

“Let’s face it, cows are made out of grass and water so they’re bound to count as one of your five a day,” said an NHS spokesman.

NewsThump best selling notebooks

“Tobacco is a plant, too.”

“And chocolate? That’s a bean, isn’t it? Should be fine. Just like coffee – that’s a bean and now we’ve decided it’s actually good for you. Much like a bean salad.

“Thanks to these new changes to dietary guidelines we expect the UK to leap to the top of global healthy eating tables.”

When asked why sex was on the list the spokesman explained it was the only way they could think of getting people to actually take some exercise.

Substantial savings are expected to the healthcare budget as a result of changes as people will happily die of a heart attack at 55 rather than cluttering up hospitals by growing old.

NewsThump Best sellers