Government to replace HS2 rail link to Manchester with brand new horse and cart

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The government has today revealed plans to scrap the HS2 rail link from Birmingham to Manchester in favour of a brand new horse and cart fleet for the north.

With news emerging earlier that the northern leg of the link could now be scrapped due to rising costs, government officials have quickly moved to reassure northerners that they haven’t been forgotten and will be provided with up to THREE new horse and carts for travel around the area, along with a new canal boat.

A Spokesperson for the government confirmed, “You’re welcome.

“We can confirm today that we will be scrapping the HS2 link for northerners, because they don’t vote for us anyway, so frankly who gives a shit what they think.

“However, we will be offering an alternative for the people of the north in the form of some horse and carts to get around their cobbled streets and take them up to the mill or whatever it is they do up there.

“Obviously, this will be a phased investment with one new horse and cart every five years or so because we’re not made of money, and hopefully they will forget.”

Asked if any other help will be given to the north of England in order to improve their transport system we were told, “A canal boat. Second hand. And maybe a couple of Chopper bikes or something.”