Neuralink brain implants have taken an important technological leap after tests showed monkeys would be willing to pay for Twitter after their chips were activated.
The tech firm, part-owned by Elon Musk, has hailed the achievement as a significant milestone towards the company’s stated aim of making everyone do what Elon wants.
Company spokesperson Chuck Williams, told us, “We’ve spent the best part of a year trying to softly program moist robots to give us money for Twitter, but honestly, the results have been pretty disappointing.
“It seems most rational people are resistant to paying for a thing that was free, and has become demonstrably worse of late.
“We are hoping that brain implants will be sufficient for people to take the next step and pay for a thing that has become far less pleasant, and much less fun, since Elon took over.
“The new chip seems able to manipulate that part of the brain responsible for rational thought, and once activated, the monkeys leapt into the comment threads within seconds of Elon Tweeting anything, to remind him what a brilliant person he is, and how lucky they are to have him in their lives.
“The next phase of development will be trials on human volunteers from Elon’s followers, but honestly, given the way they already behave, we’re not sure how we’ll know if the chips work?”