After the government announced an end to things such as a ‘meat tax’ and the need for ‘7 recycling bins’, researchers have revealed that the only people giving them credit for ending fictional policies are borderline simpletons.
As the government seeks to bridge the huge gap in the polls, it announced a softening of its green policies in an attempt to woo the votes of the sort of people who sneak out at night in a balaclava to saw down ULEZ cameras.
However, simply moving the ban on petrol cars back five years clearly wasn’t enough to bring onside true climate sceptics; more was needed – which is when government officials struck upon the idea of banning things that aren’t actually happening.
CCHQ political advisor Simon Williams told us, “The voting public love it when a government cancels a very unpopular policy. It looks like they’re listening to the people, which is what people actually want. We’re going to do more of it, definitely. The policy doesn’t need to be a real one for it to work. Clearly.”
However, researchers later revealed, “The tactic is a very basic one. Announce you are cancelling a terrible policy, and then take credit for it. You just have to hope your audience doesn’t realise the policy never existed in the first place, or that if it did, you were the one who actually created it.
“For this political manoeuvre to work, it relies on a certain level of ignorance in the general public, wilful or otherwise. Which is why it works so well on sycophants and morons. If you’re giving the government credit for banning a meat tax, then you either don’t care that it never existed in the first place, or you’re too stupid to realise it never existed.
“If you’re not sure which group you’re in, just ask yourself if you’re sat there today giving the government credit for banning the use of seven recycling bins? If the answer is ‘yes’, ask yourself if you’re actually using seven recycling bins at the moment.
“If the answer is no, then sorry, you’re in the moron category.”