by 
The terrifying visage of a gurning sex pest has appeared in the reflection behind Simone Williams after she thoughtlessly swore three times in front of a mirror.
Simone, who was in the bathroom cursing herself for loudly farting during a pilates class earlier today, summoned Brand by repeating the thrice-cursed word ‘Wanker’ in her frustration.
“It was terrifying”, she wept, “I had just called myself an idiot for eating the falafel and three bean wrap for lunch when I said ‘Wanker, wanker, wanker’ and… there he was.
“At least if it has been a supernatural murderer I would quickly have been put out of my misery, but instead he started going on about the conceptual ontological necessity of seeing the primal self in a mirror.
“And then he grabbed my arse.”
When asked for comment, Brand’s agent said, “Yeah, he does this.
“Say wanker three times and up he pops like an unwashed Mephistopheles at a Victorian music hall show.
“It’s how we got him onto Bake Off. Mary Berry was criticising herself for fluffing her lines and – hey presto! – he got his first mainstream TV appearance in half a decade.”
