HS2 downgraded to Ivor the Engine

author avatar by 10 months ago

Britain’s proposed flagship high-speed rail network has been downgraded to five miles of steam traction in the top left-hand corner of Wales, according to a Government report published today.

HS2, as originally proposed, would have connected eight of Britain’s ten richest cities in an incredible, modern network like proper countries have in the 21st century, but will now run an almost daily service between Llantisilly and Merionoth in Gwynneth.

HS2, which has so far somehow cost billions of pounds without anything actually having been built, is described as ‘too expensive in its current form’, and the Treasury believes additional, minor cuts to the scope of the project are necessary to keep it affordable.

Government sources say they hope to build the five mile stretch for a fraction under £23 billion, assuming the dragons which live in the local mine can be persuaded to power the engine for free.

“We’ll be using modern, ‘smart’ rolling stock which will communicate with it’s driver through a series of chuffs and peeps from its whistle”, said whoever the Transport Secretary is this week.

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“With a high-tech solution, we hope to prevent services being delayed for more than three or four days whenever a sheep wanders onto the line, which is more than the Transpennine Express can say.”