Interview with the f**king leaf blower guy

author avatar by 9 months ago

As autumn approaches, thoughts turn to pumpkin pie, crisp chill mornings, trick-or-treat, Halloween, and the fucking leaf blower guy. To try and gain insight into this icon of Autumn, we sat down and spoke with him.

NewsThump: F**king leaf blower guy, hello.

F**king leaf blower guy: What?

NT: Could you switch off that f**king leaf blower please?

FLBG: Not really, no. Sorry. You’ll just have to speak up.

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NT: Okay, so- seriously, you can’t just shut the f**king leaf blower down for a few minutes to have a conversation?

FLBG: Not until January.

NT: Okay. Fine. Whatever. So, first of all, how did you start out? Did you always want to be the f**king leaf blower guy?

FLBG: Not exactly, no. But I have always enjoyed being a complete pain in the arse. When I was a kid, I would just spend hours making this sort of high-pitched whine. I’d just stand in the kitchen while Mum was cooking and emit this really annoying noise then, naturally, she’d get mad and irritated and that was something I found that I really enjoyed.

NT: That’s interesting, I can definitely see a through-line there from standing in your kitchen making an annoying noise to becoming the f**king leaf blower guy. But what was the trigger point? What was the catalyst?

FLBG: I was sixteen. I was making the high-pitched whine and mum just went crazy. I mean, she freaked. She sat me down and said I was far too old to be standing in the kitchen making a high-pitched whine and I should go and do something useful. Well, it was hard for me to deny she had a point. So, for a while I was at a loss. Obviously, I wanted to continue being really irritating, but I wasn’t sure how I could do that? I could be a politician or a radio DJ? Perhaps some sort of online opinion-writer, although being irritating on the internet was in its infancy back then. None of those ideas really grabbed me though. Then one day, I was walking through town and I saw the f**king leaf blower guy.

NT: And you were inspired?

FLBG: That’s the exact word; inspired. He inspired me. I just stood and watched this f**king leaf blower guy blowing leaves from one side of the road to the other and then blowing them back again, making no discernible difference to the quality of the environment and just making this horrendous annoying noise while he did so. I knew right there and then that I wanted to be the f**king leaf blower guy.

NT: I see. Did he give you any advice at all?

FLBG: Well, he did his best, but I couldn’t really hear over the sound of his f**king leaf blower.

NT: And did you take over from that f**king leaf blower guy?

FLBG: Yes. tragically, not long after I met him, he was found dead with his f**king leaf blower stuck right up his arse. So, I went to the f**king leaf blower store and got my own f**king leaf blower, and ever since that day I’ve been the f**king leaf blower guy.

NT: Do you get paid for your service?

FLBG: No, I see it more as a vocation.

NT: For blowing leaves?

FLBG: For being really, really irritating.

NT: And is that all you do? Just go out and blow leaves around with your f**king leaf blower?

FLBG: Oh heavens no. Not at all. Sometimes I blow dried grass, bits of litter, flies, air. If my f**king leaf blower can blow it, I’ll f**king blow it.

NT: Do you have any hobbies? Any pastimes? What does the f**king leaf blower guy do with his downtime?

FLBG: Funnily enough, I’ve really got back into standing in the kitchen making a high-pitched whine again. Nothing better than making a high-pitched whine after a hard day out with the f**king leaf blower.

NT: Finally, would you ever consider stopping?

FLBG: No.

NT: Please?

FLBG: No.

NT: Not even if we got your f**king leaf blower, set fire to it and then buried it in a deep hole?

FLBG: You wouldn’t be the first. I just got another one. No, there’s nothing you can do to stop the f**king leaf-blower guy, we are relentless, determined, and we will never, ever stop f**king leaf blowing with our f**king leaf blowers.

NT: There’s a circle of hell devoted entirely to you people.

FLBG: Well, at least it’ll have neat piles of leaves.

NT: But it won’t because the wind will just start blowing them around after you-

FLBG: Sorry, can’t hear you over the sound of my f**king leaf blower.