Owning a mobile phone means your life is already perfect, insists self-proclaimed ‘asylum expert’

author avatar by 11 months ago

Asylum seekers with mobile phones were obviously doing plenty well enough where they were, according to a bloke in the pub last night.

The chubby bitter drinker who claims to know all about these things, said anyone with a mobile phone has nothing to fear from persecution in their homeland, and they had clearly been living the life of riley before they headed in our direction.

As he explained to anyone who would listen, and plenty who wouldn’t, “I saw this one guy on the news with a mobile phone talking to someone, probably a servant back in his palace in Syria, explaining the best way to get into Europe.

“It looked like an iPhone – what sort of destitute refugee has an iPhone, eh?”

“Clearly an iPhone is the sort of thing you acquire once everything else in your life is sorted. Once you have a home, food, job, safety – then you consider getting an iPhone.”

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“So it’s perfectly reasonable to assume these iPhone-using refugees clearly aren’t refugees at all. Just people looking to go on benefits here because they think we’re a soft touch.”

He then went on to explain why personal technology of any sort should disqualify someone from claiming refugee status.

He concluded, “Look, at the end of the day, if they’ve got a better phone than me, then they don’t deserve any help. Obviously.”

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