Gingers advised to not even bother today

Ginger-haired people have been told not to even think about going near a window, let alone stepping out of the house today.

Record September temperatures are set to reach levels that could wipe out Madame Tussaud’s waxwork population, meaning that the more pale and freckly among us are at a particularly high risk.

“Seriously, just sack of whatever plans you made and stay indoors,” said Dr. Malcolm Grant, a skincare specialist.

“Tell them you’ve got whatever bug is going around, or if you’re a woman, say you’ve got woman’s problems. Nobody will dare question that one.

“I myself have been ‘blessed’ with two ginger children, and I’m not letting them out of their rooms. If they even set foot outside then they’re liable to burst into flames.

“Curtains drawn, air-con on. That’s the phrase for today – along with ‘f**k me it’s hot, isn’t it?’”

Surprisingly little concern has been shown for Deputy Prime Minister Oliver Dowden, who while not being “full-ginger” is at the very a strawberry blond, and, therefore in a similar risk category.

“Meh, he’ll be fine,” said voter, Sally Williams, “If a Tory minister is going to burst into flames this weekend, it’s unlikely to be because of climate change, but rather because some omnipotent deity has finally had enough of them.”

It is hoped that the weather will cool enough for mankind’s first ever “Ginger Pride” parade next week, where hordes of carrot-topped individuals will line the streets and celebrate all that is good about being ginger.

The parade is expected to last around eight minutes before heading inside to get out of the sun.

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