Manchester United have finally been able to upgrade their central defence.
The club have agreed to trade the flailing Harry Maguire for a sturdy Victorian wardrobe, in a deal with Dorothy’s Antiques.
“We’re very excited to welcome the Victorian wardrobe to the team. It will provide a sturdy and comforting presence in our back line,” confirmed Erik Ten Hag.
“The wardrobe is unlikely to execute a sloppy pass to the goalkeeper, or indeed head the ball into its own net. Nor will it have delusions of grandeur regarding its own ability or status in the team. It’s a massive improvement.”
Dorothy Fairworthy, owner of Dorothy’s antiques, commented, “Harry will look lovely in the shop window.
“I’m sure somebody will snap him up soon enough. I can imagine him being a useful novelty doorstop, or just a fascinating piece of memorabilia for Manchester United fans who hate themselves.”
Harry Maguire commented “Still better than going to West Ham,” while arranging himself in the shop window.