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One of the escalators at the High Chelmer shopping precinct in Chelmsford is currently the only thing in the entire country that is working.
“This is a proud day for High Chelmer and Chelmsford,” said Simon Williams, the High Chelmer supervisor.
“We have worked hard to make sure that the escalator continues to function despite everything. It hasn’t been easy, as there is no supply chain for parts and it’s impossible to employ anyone with the right skills.
“It’s basically been just me and Mrs Rumbold from the Boots make-up counter with an Escalator Maintenance for Dummies book. But so far, we’ve managed to keep it going. The other one is broken, but what do you expect in this country?”
The news will come as scant comfort for Rishi Sunak who has overseen the complete collapse of literally everything in the country that used to work – trains, buses, the health service, school buildings, food supply, air-quality, the government.
He did find time, however, to issue a message of congratulation to High Chelmer.
“Well done to the staff of High Chelmer for having something that works in this country. Very impressive. As for everything else? That’s definitely not my fault.”
Please note: At the time of writing the escalator is reportedly running. That may well have changed by the time you read this. It’s Great Britain in 2023, so it wouldn’t be a surprise.
