Three-inch parasitic worm found serving in British government

author avatar by 9 months ago

Following the shocking announcement yesterday that a three-inch parasitic worm was found in a woman’s brain, comes news that a similar parasitic worm has been found serving in Rishi Sunak’s cabinet.

“I was shocked. I’d never seen anything like it. A normal government, except right at the centre of it, a three-inch parasitic worm,” said Simon Williams, a scientist who was visiting the House of Commons.

“It was serving as a junior minister in the Home Office. I’m not sure how it got there. I can only assume it had been appointed because the only other option was Chris Grayling.”

Not being an expert on parasites, Dr Williams called a colleague.

“It was just a normal day when Simon called and just went ‘Oh my God. Oh my God. You won’t believe what I’ve found in this government. It’s alive and wriggling’,” said Dr Elanor Gay, an expert on parasitic life forms.

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“To be honest, I actually wasn’t actually that shocked to find a three-inch parasitic worm had been serving in the Government. It kind of explained quite a lot.

“It was Ophidascaris robertsi. I believe it had settled in government because it was warm, comfortable, it had nutrition readily available in one of the many subsidised cafes or restaurants available to MPs, and a salary and expense account entirely paid for by the tax-payer. It’s the perfect environment for a parasite.

“No one would really have noticed it was there. You’d expect it to generate bizarre policy decisions and crises. I mean, it probably did but how would you tell which ones were coming from the worm? To be honest, for an MP in this government, the parasitic worm wasn’t actually performing that badly.”

The parasitic worm has now been removed from government. It will be replaced by a Tory MP more competent than a three-inch parasitic worm, as soon as one is found.