A three-day missing persons hunt has been called off after local wargamer Simon Williams was discovered buried under a huge pile of unpainted miniatures in his home.
Simon, who was reported missing on Saturday, was located after a search party spotted a distinctive bag of Doritos sticking out from beneath the pile.
An excavator was used to remove the heap, and Simon was found to still be holding an unused paintbrush which he is understood to have bought almost three years ago.
“We see this sort of thing happen a lot,” the police said in a statement.
“Your gamer makes some half-arsed attempt to start painting his collection. It could be anything from fifteen mil Napoleonics to those Plague Marines he picked up intending to try 8th edition Warhammer – and the next thing you know he’s disturbed the heap and it’s all over.
“Fortunately his death was probably quick, as there’s no way that guy had hero-level damage resistance or a decent armour save.
“It’s a good thing his collection of paints didn’t topple as well, as that would probably have gone through the floor into the sewers and we’d never have found him.”
“Let this be a warning to you all – don’t disturb the pile of shame.”
Gamers are warned to wear hard hats and high-vis jackets when interacting with their pile of shame, and advised to arrange a regular safety check when the urge to start painting the backlog hits.
Miniatures photo courtesy of Matthew Everett