I had changed my mind and I was going to declare a bank holiday if the Lionesses won, insists Rishi Sunak

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Rishi Sunak has insisted he shares the nation’s disappointment that the Lionesses were unable to win the world cup, because he was going to give everyone an extra bank holiday.

After England lost 1-0 to Spain in the final in Australia, the prime minister announced he was inches from giving everyone a day off to celebrate.

He told reporters, “I know we previously said we definitely wouldn’t be having an extra bank holiday if they won, but I’d changed my mind, and we definitely would have had a bank holiday, if they’d won.

“So I think it’s important we all remember that you would have had an extra bank holiday, courtesy of me, if they’d won. But they didn’t, so we won’t. But that’s not my fault, obviously.

“The offer was there. In a non-verbalised unofficial way.

“It would have been so much better telling everyone you WERE getting a day off when I’d previously said you weren’t. My kids love jokes like that, and I’m sure the working people of this country would be just the same.

“In the alternate universe where the Lionesses won, you’re all enjoying an extra day off – thanks to me – and I’m extremely popular as a result. That is the image I want you all to focus on.”

Meanwhile, economists have asked Sunak if, in his attempts to reduce inflation, he has left “nothing”, or “everything” on the pitch, because it’s a detail that really matters, and getting it wrong risks you looking like an absolute idiot who knows nothing about sporting metaphors.