The government has announced that its sense of accomplishment has reached an unprecedented high, comfortably beating previous records as it applauded the modest reduction of inflation to a mere 6.8%.
Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, in between sessions of popping Champagne corks, hailed this new rate as “a groundbreaking step towards making Britain’s economy not quite as bad as it used to be.”
Critics have pointed out that the government’s inflated sense of achievement might be slightly more inflated than the average basket of groceries in a British supermarket.
“We’ve finally got the inflation rate down to the mid single digits!” exclaimed one jubilant junior minister, ignoring the fact that inflation of 6.8% still means higher prices for just about everything.
“We’re on the brink of breaking the 5% barrier, too. Just give us a few more years.”
The government’s unique approach to celebrating this milestone includes offering a limited-edition “Inflation Celebration” package for the public. The package, priced at an inflation-adjusted £1,000, contains a deflated balloon and a guidebook on “How to Feel Rich with Less Money.”
The majority of voters, however, seem less impressed. Local office worker, Simon Williams, grumbled, “The price of bread’s gone up, my rent’s gone up, my gas bill has gone up, and now they’re celebrating because inflation’s ONLY 6.8%?
“They might as well throw a parade because it only rained slightly less than it did yesterday.”
Meanwhile, in an unexpected move, educational authorities have begun to review the school mathematics syllabus to incorporate the government’s new understanding of percentages.
As one teacher told us, “For about 5,000 years, something rising by 6.8% a year would get quite a lot bigger, and pretty quickly. But for some reason, the government wants us to teach kids that a 6.8% inflation rate means prices should be coming down.”
Economists, watching the spectacle with a mixture of amusement and horror, have begun calculating the potential inflation of government egos, a figure expected to soar well into the triple digits.
As the confetti settles and the government pats itself on the back, the British public is left to wonder how a small decrease in inflation could lead to such an inflated sense of success.
However, as one Treasury spokesperson said with a wink, “We have never underestimated just how dumb our supporters are – they will celebrate this news like the birth of a child.
“You just watch.”