‘There is nothing more Tory than profiteering from the supply of a human necessity’ insists government

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The government has insisted the excess profits made by just about every energy company during an energy crisis that has pushed millions of people towards energy poverty is in line with ‘Conservative values’.

Rishi Sunak told reporters that there is nothing more Tory than maximising shareholder value from the sale of a human necessity to people who have absolutely no choice but to buy it.

Sunak went on, “Capitalism works best when you’re selling a thing people are unable to stop buying. Not because they want it, but because their very lives would be threatened if they stopped using it.

“It’s the dream of all capitalists to have a pool of millions of highly motivated customers who will continue buying your product even if you increase the price, say, two or three hundred percent.

“Well, the energy companies are literally living that dream right now, and I don’t believe they should be punished for that. We are all dreamers, and it’s up to us to make our own dreams come true.

“We just have to find our own human necessity to sell and then engage in some friendly price-gouging.”

Voter and Conservative party member Simon Williams told us, “Well, that’s me convinced.

“I’ll admit, I was a little sceptical when I heard energy companies were making literally billions more in profits while energy prices sky-rocket for people like me, but the way Rishi explained it, it all just makes sense.

“And if we don’t let capitalists engage in profiteering when the market conditions will allow it, what sort of society will we be left with? A communist one, that’s what.

“So yeah, I’m still voting for Rishi.”

Rishi Sunak’s cabinet of arseholes!