‘We’re all going to die anyway, so who cares’ – Government unveils new climate strategy

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The government has unveiled its new climate strategy – ‘We’re all going to die anyway, so who cares.’

Inspired by the success of getting 13,000 fewer votes than last time in the Uxbridge by-election, the Tories have concluded that everyone now hates the planet.

“Liking the planet is for poofs and communists,” explained leading Tory thinker Lee Anderson.

“Being British means being able to set fire to a pile of tyres in your garden and not having some limp-wristed, muesli-knitting lefty reminding you that your grandchildren are going to have to spend their entire lives on fire.

“If you don’t like living on this planet, then you should just go and live on another one.”

There was some confusion at the launch of the new climate strategy when Prime Minister Rishi Sunak was expected to expand on the strategy and unveil further details.

“No, sorry. That’s it,” he confirmed.

“The strategy is literally ‘We’re all going to die anyway, so who cares’. We are all going to die, that’s almost certain. So, who cares? I mean, we certainly don’t.

“There’s not really much more to say is there? So I’m going off to a Spinning Class in California. It’s lovely over there. I recommend it to anyone worried about the cost-of-living crisis. Really takes your mind off things.”

The new climate strategy follows last month’s NHS strategy – ‘We’re all going to die anyway, so who cares’ and ‘We’re all going to die anyway, so who cares’ – their previously announced education strategy.