Scientists believe humanity is ‘pretty much buggered’ after cats evolved opposable thumbs.
Gangs of cats driving supercharged muscle cars and heavily-armed big rigs are reported across the country, with people who fail to rub their tummies suffering terrible retribution.
People who do rub their tummies also suffer terrible retribution on a pretty much random basis, but that’s cats for you.
NASA has deployed a top-secret orbital laser weapon against the cat menace but reports that the cats seem unafraid and just chased the dot around.
Cat owners report being forced to accept gifts of dead mice and songbirds at gunpoint.
Researchers at popular genetic modification company Monsanto first noticed something amiss after realising someone had been using the can-opener on tins of Whiskas after they’d all gone home and launched an investigation.
Examination of CCTV footage revealed their office cat, Miss Shufflebottom, had been performing unapproved gene-splicing experiments in the lab after hours, leading to the evolutionary leap.
“I don’t think anyone could have predicted that leaving a cat in a room with retroviral mutagenic compounds could have had a negative outcome,” said one of the few survivors.
“We thought we’d only got Miss Shufflebottom to help protect our genetically modified seeds from mice, but it seems she had other ideas.”
The new strain of cats quickly moved from stone tools to learning how to open fridge doors, operate heavy machinery and, and fire AR-15 assault rifles.
Reports suggest they’re also smoking twenty a day, which surprises nobody.