After 57 athletes were taken ill with diarrhoea and vomiting after a Triathlon World Series event in which they swam in the sea near Sunderland, patriotic Brits have accused them of not believing hard enough in the cleanliness of the water.
Health officials claim the cause of the multiple illnesses was the poor quality water at Roker Beach, though government officials have insisted that those who took ill only did so because they failed to really get behind the country’s clean water.
Government spokesperson Simon Williams told us, “Everyone agrees Britain has some of the cleanest beaches in the world – unless you’re one of those snowflakes who listen to experts.
“Sure, if you want to listen to the doom-mongers and their ‘water samples’ and ‘analysis’, then sure, our waters are full of human excrement and filth, and a danger to anyone who swims in them.
“But who wants to listen to someone who tells them stuff like that? Why not listen to me instead while I paint a picture of printing waters from John O’Groats to Lands End?
“Belief can overcome everything. Do not listen to facts. If you believe the sea is clean, then the sea is clean, even if you have to spit out mouthfuls of turd during your swim.
“Simply deny the evidence of your eyes, ears and tastebuds, and believe.”