The cast of Love Island have returned to their day jobs.
The unfathomably shiny, good-looking individuals have been pretending to be vacuous, insipid, shallow morons for the past few months, as that is evidently the kind of thing that scum like you enjoys watching.
“It’s been an enjoyable social experiment, but one is glad it’s over,” said Dave, one of the show’s contestants, as he adjusted his spectacles and mused over a copy of Charles Darwin’s The Origin of Species.
“We don’t tend to get out of the microbiology lab all that much, so it was nice to get away for a few days. I just hope my assistant has kept my work and research up to standard in my absence.”
John, a 31-year-old reformed boyband member and now Creative Director of the London Philharmonic Orchestra, said, “Ah, yes, that band. I used to be a part a boyband. The frivolity of youth.
“I digress; my apologies. I had a wonderful time in the sun, and the money was jolly lovely, but now I really must get on with planning the Orchestra’s Autumn program. It’s going to be absolutely divine.”