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An army of woke newts is determined to thwart the dreams of former prime minister Boris Johnson, with his plans to build a new outdoor swimming pool under threat by their very existence.
The Daily Mail columnist and father of [er, we’re not really sure – Ed] is seeking to enforce the will of the people who want him to have a swimming pool, by building an outdoor swimming pool in the grounds of his new property paid for with all the second jobs he had when he should have been representing the people of Uxbridge.
The hard-left great crested newts are a protected species, and love nothing more than inconveniencing former politicians trying to build mansions.
A spokesperson for Johnson told us, “It’s all the fault of the woke newts. Yes, you heard me correctly.
“They are no doubt in cahoots with the Labour party in a bid to thwart Boris’ repeated attempts to deliver on his promise to the people. Well, the people he lives with. Well, one person. The promise he made to his wife.
“Newts are well known for their socialist tendencies, and they eat tofu, and they read the Guardian. They are basically the Just Stop Oil protesters of the amphibian world. Everyone hates them. They can not be trusted.
“No, you should instead place your trust in a man who has repeatedly lied to you, numerous ex-wives, the voters, and most recently, parliament itself.”
Are you a member of the wokerati? Get your proof here!
