Crisp packets will be sold containing nothing but packaged flavoured air by 2029, according to a new report.
Today’s average packet of crisps is now only at 37% capacity, roughly equivalent to the average inside of Nadine Dorries’ head.
The new study suggests that if crisp manufacturers continue to take the piss at the rate they have done over the last ten years, then the next few years will see the nation’s favourite potato snack dwindle away to an idea inside a foil packet.
“It’s actually great news, if you think about it,” said crisp marketer, John Grayson.
“Whenever you open a packet of crisps these days, you know you’re going to be at least 8% unhealthier by the time you’ve shoved them down your fat neck.
“With the eventual roll-out of complete fresh air, all you’ll get is a small blast of healthy, faintly salty oxygen.
“Basically, opening a packet of crisps in 2028 is going to be like a very short trip to the seaside, and who doesn’t want that in a foil packet at 50p a pop?”
Consumers greeted the news with pitchforks and fire.
“It’s quite shit,” said Robert Sharp, setting down his pitchfork, “generally, when I buy a packet of crisps, I would like there to be at least some crisps.
“This is that soap-free soap rubbish all over again, but more literal and with crisps instead of soap, which is obviously a LOT worse.”
Government ministers were indifferent to the news, most of them not knowing what a packet of crisps actually is, but all agreeing it sounds ghastly, common and therefore not important.